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Bartender
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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Clergy
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
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Advertising
"The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper." - Thomas Jefferson
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers." - Daniel J. Boorstin
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Exponential Phenomena
Happy Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope had hearts all over it.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why would you want to do that?"
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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Former Occupation
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly
arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that, because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven, St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 a year as an attorney."
The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year ... "
"Oh," the angel interrupts, "what subject did you teach?"
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Financial Planner
A father told his three sons when he sent them to college: I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please put $1,000 each of you into my coffin when I die. And so it happened. The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When they had to see their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish. First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Than came the lawyer, who put a $1,000 bill there. Finally, it was the heart-broken financial planners turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his cheque book, wrote a cheque for $3,000, put it into his fathers coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
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Joke 7: True Helpdesk Story
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
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Journalist Joke
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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Lawyer Joke (An Important Phone Call)
A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.
Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "Eight hundred thousand dollars? You're kidding me. You're going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don't waste my time with anything less."
Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
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Extroverted Accountant
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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Sarcasm Break:
Please interrupt the meeting, please be rude, and please shove your opinion down everyone's throats because the company would not survive (in fact it would shut down and cease to exist) if your precious, ingenious, ground breaking thoughts were not heard at this very moment in front of everybody...right now. You complete us.
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A Few Things You Wish You Could Say At Work (Excerpt)
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of [it].
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
7. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't [care].
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
10. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
11. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
12. Do I look like a people person?
13. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
14. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
15. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
16. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
21. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it
23. Chaos, Panic, Disorder - my work here is done.
24. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
25. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
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Engineering Student
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground took off all her clothes and said Take what you want".
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
http://www.jokechest.com/jp/497
Job Applicant
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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